Confronting the PAST

Well Lord,
[dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUN
....*audience gasps >insert pause for dramatic effect<
*random 'gulp' followed by an eerie shriek from a woman]
Guess it's about that time!
I always knew that every christian had to come to a point where they had to confront their past. I'll call it "facing the big plunge". But for some reason I never thought my day would come, and if I did sub-consciously accept this ideology, I never thought it would be as hard for me as everyone else. Foolishly I tricked myself into believing that the "growing pains" in my first years of college would ultimately be the climaxing struggle with my past. Oh, how desperately I wish that were true right now. That would have been a cinch!  ...Welp, I stand corrected. This by far is THEE most difficult thing You ever expected me to do. I don't want to admit that I understand why, but I have to. I can, however; admit that I need You. Direct me through this Lord. I think I may need Jesus Himself to come down and hold my hand through this one. It's so dark and taboo. I don't even want to touch it. I don't want to go near it with a 50 foot pole. I was comfortable forgetting about it... but forgetting about it is not the way to get healing from it. Hmmph! Difficult feats are rewarded greatly! ....Remind me of that please! I don't feel like going through this, but I promised You that I'd stick with You when I was felt like it and when I didn't. GIVE ME GRACE!!! Lots and lots and lots of it! Give me courage in abundance!! Lend me strength and boldness to get me past this point in my life! Mark me... "trailblazer, "curse ender" "broken vessel", just use me! Just use me! The more I realize that I don't matter, the easier it is to accept this call. This flesh is a beast, so daily help me slaughter it! Be my guide. I feel scatter-brained right now, so my thoughts and sentences are ping-ponging all over the place. Nothing is really flowing. But I am glad that I can come to You with my scattered thoughts and You'll help me sort them and show me what actions to take. But let Joshua 1:9 be my banner!  In Jesus Christ (My Redeemer & Friend) name I do pray [& plead His blood] AMEN...
By the way, I love the fact that I come to You feeling horrible and You literally turn my frown upside down! <<--Yea I know it sounds so cliche', but I guess cliche's are the defining character of love Lol... Love You Poppa =)